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Blogging. I love blogging, and for some reason I haven’t had the energy, nor the drive, to do a blog in far too long. I miss doing this. I still feel like I need to do this, so hopefully this is the start of a recurring thing. Once a week needs to happen again. Lets do it.

School is crazy. It’s ridiculous how crazy and busy it is this year. Wednesday nights are my only free nights (minus the weekend), and that leaves a tired BJ most of the time! I hardly ever have the energy to run/life, though I manage to do my push-up and ab routine on most days. I just wish I had more time to run anymore. I miss the every day grind a lot. Everything happens for a reason, though, and this semester has been much better than the last two, so that’s a plus.

I’ll be applying for three internships for this upcoming summer; the first at TWLOHA (Florida), the second at TOMS (California), and the last at Blizzard (California), working in it’s Lore Writing department for World of Warcraft. I’m unbelievably excited to start this process, and although it would be my first choice, I don’t know that the Blizzard internship is in the cards for this summer, but it’s worth a shot! Regardless of which one I get/take (if any), it would be an experience and an honor to be able to do any of them!

If I’m not able to do any of them (ergh), then I still have Gamestop! I honestly love my job, and even though this break was crazy busy with 30 hours of work in three days, I loved it all. Honestly love my job, and who knows, maybe I can convince my boss into that assistant manager training (cough cough). It was a rough break, and a very exhausting one, but very worth it. Though, I do wish I could have played a bit more Skyrim while on break. That was a bit depressing…

I met a girl.

Lemme rephrase that.

I have a girlfriend. That seems so foreign of a phrase to me, and it’s… It’s comforting.

Tom isn’t going to like Jack anymore.

“As your friend, I wish I could help, Tom,” Harry said in his deep, southern voice.

“You ‘n Jack done a good job so far,” Tom managed. “I think I’ll jus stick with that,” as he chuckled.

Harry was a man that Tom saw as wiser than anyone. Since the ’50s, Harry had always worn his red, white, and blue bandanna, stained with sweat, piss, and whatever else managed to inhabit the salt & pepper hair around his head. Tom loved and respected Harry like a father, someone he turned to in times of distress, which leads to no surprise that his current location is the bar.

“I jus hate to see ya suffer, son,” Harry mentioned as he changed the 1940s style jukebox to a mellow and somber Brad Paisley song.

Tom isn’t going to like Brad Paisley anymore.

“I still can’t believe she’d do that to me, Harry,” Tom said as he took another gulp of Jack. “After everything she has put me through and made me do…”

“I know, son, and in time you’ll learn to adapt, change… Move on.”

He wasn’t going to though. Tom wasn’t capable of much on his own; It wasn’t that he was simple minded or slow, but the love of his life, Eve, had a way of controlling him. As much as he had loved her, it was never enough for her. What he could do for her was never what she wanted except for a very select group of things which allowed her to live her life as carefree as possible. People called her lazy, and she quickly grew to despise the term. It would make her stomach churn with disgust, but that faded just as quickly as it grew on her.

“I’ve got to cut ya off, Tom. I can’t let ya drown your life, I’d rather help ya float. I’d rather provide ya with illumination over light bulbs, and only because light bulbs don’t last forever,” the old man rambled. He always had stupid sayings and expressions which he seemed to make up on the spot. Tom would end up repeating them whenever he could; he thought they made him sound wise…

Dumbass.

What Harry was saying made sense to Tom though. The old man’s words had a way of comforting him, and he listened tentatively. “In my darkest times, there was always something to take my mind off of the current situation. For a while, it was drinking, but that did me no good after a while; I was wasting away my life pondering the same old damn thoughts rather than moving on with it. But I soon learned how to put the knowledge of alcohol to use and went to found this bar, 27 years ago,” he hiccupped.

The old drunk was still an alcoholic.

“Here, I can give people a good time, and also help them when in need so they don’t end up like I am… Did…

“So Tom, I’m not sure what it is for you, but for me it was bar tending. Now I ask you, son, to go and find that thing and make use of it. No point in sitting in here all day.”

Tom pondered for a moment. In his drunken haze, he figured out just what he wanted to do. “You’re an amazing man, Harry. I can’t ever thank you enough,” he managed to say as he stumbled off the bar stool and onto the floor. The old man just smiled in a weird, yet calm way.

As Tom opened the bar door, the sun shined brightly into his deep green eyes, making him shield his face with his hand. As he began to stumble his way home, he could not wait to get to his vacuum. Tom had hated vacuuming for most of his life like most men. After meeting the love of his life, though, he slowly grew to love it. Whatever he could do to please her, he did, and this was one of only a few that did please her.

Tom isn’t going to like vacuuming much longer.

After his drunken ass stumbled home and passed out on the couch, I poked him once, twice, three times, and a fourth. The man didn’t even have the decency to at least make this easy for me.

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Tom awoke in a hospital gown that smelled of urine, filth, and alcohol. Or maybe that was him. His head had a very loud stinging sensation, and he could feel bandages as he reached to feel his wounded scalp.

The nurse quickly explained to him that he had arrived two days prior after his wife had tried to kill him.

“K-kill me?” He managed. His mind was racing at a mile a minute. Why would she do such a thing? I gave everything to her… I don’t understand.

The authorities came about 35-minutes after he awoke to tell him that Eve, his wife, had been diagnosed with a serious mental disorder. “In her mind, she was controlling and seeing everything you were doing,” the officer explained, “and that’s including whether or not you lived, Mr. Turn. After coming home from work, she hit you over the head with an empty bottle of Jack Daniels, and then proceeded to try and hang you with the vacuum cord from the second floor. She would have succeeded too had she actually tied a real knot in the cord…”

Eve was put into a mental hospital where she could no longer control Tom. Three weeks later, Tom found himself vacuuming his house. After three minutes and an exaggerated ”Fuck this!” Tom realized he never really liked vacuuming. Ever.

Yes, I have been listening to the Harry Potter soundtrack, and for some reason this particular song is incredibly awesome and wonderful to me. It’s soothing and calming, yet has this tone of some worry and distress too. I sense the worry from Lily, Harry’s mother, who could be thinking about a future situation, though I can also sense possible distress as if looking upon a situation currently happening. A free flowing thought. This is why I love music; a piece that can show so much and envelope you in something (fictional or not) by taking you on a journey. All from sound.

Life is troublesome. Just when you think one problem is solved, another arises. I guess that’s the life of a college student who wonders how he’ll pay for each year. Unfortunately, I’ve come to the decision that I have to forgo running Cross Country this year, something that I really did not want to give up. I don’t like giving up on it… I don’t like giving up, period. In the end, though, the back of my mind reminds me that I have not given up on running with a team again but possibly only postponed it, or maybe just saved this activity from becoming something that I hate over time. Regardless, I hate knowing that the time and effort that I have put in for the past year and a half has come to a grinding halt. An incredibly frustrating and grinding halt…

I hate when this happens…

School costs money, something that I have never had a lot of, and taking a job at the Gamestop in Meadville (something I was incredibly lucky to strike upon) is an opportunity that I cannot pass upon. So for this year, I’ll be doing my work-study on campus, Gamestop, and writing. Work-study will be fine, it was never very stressful, and quite useful actually to have a few hours twice a week to sit in quiet to work. Gamestop will be a bit more challenging. I don’t have a car… Which really blows big monkey balls. I digress…

I don’t have a car, so I have to take the bus system to work every time I work. Hopefully, I’ll be able to figure this out, because the routing looks a bit daunting at first glance… Shouldn’t be too much trouble to figure out what to ride and when, but it’ll be a pain trying to schedule around it and stuff… Really not looking forward to it. At all.

Writing it going to another interesting task. I love doing it, I just wish I could do more for my site (XboxFreedom), a site that is trying to still grow and does not have the funds to do what we want to do. They want me to make videos for them about video games and what not, and I did a few and they were a blast to do, but they cannot let me continue to do it as they do not have the funds. That is extremely frustrating…

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So that’s what I will not be doing and will be doing in the coming weeks. For now, it’s time to start thinking about packing, maybe daydream about a hot chick, run, and possibly contemplate what I’m gonna do to pay for the rest of my (expensive) college career. Maybe I’ll also contemplate how to Wecht hard enough to live with my roommate this year. I hear this kid Wechts nearly every night…

Also, if you don’t have a Google+ account, you need to get one… It’s a barren land right now with so few friends on it, and my posts aren’t being liked/commented enough to satisfy me. If you need an invite, let me know and I’ll hook you up.

Click Me!

I absolutely love this song and this is is outright beautiful. You should too.

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I find it absolutely amazing that I can work with people from literally all over the world. Sure, I have my job at Gamestop that let’s me deal with the locals (Yes, deal with the locals… Some of them are rather interesting…), but my real amazement comes from my freelance writing. I work with an editor from Argentina, another Editor from England, and two bosses from Israel. As far as I know, I am the only American writer for a website completely in English, and the fluency of my co-workers amazes me, mostly because they speak and writer better English than 90% of my friends. That really says something about their work ethic, and I really admire that.

More than that, I am one of two writers for Xbox Freedom, a site dealing solely with the Xbox 360. Well, I’m actually the only writer, really. There is one other writer who will occasionally put out one article a week, so really all of the articles are on me, and it’s amazing seeing a site go from nothing (my Editor and I restarted this site) to thousands and thousands of views a day (and I get excited when my blog get’s over 150 views!). I really am just amazed at how far a little bit of work can go. Sure, I could use a much higher pay for what I do, as I make quite littler compared to the standard, but I love doing it (usually). I wish money wasn’t part of the question, but it seems to always be.

I guess that leads us to topic two; I have no idea what my future holds, and that scares the hell out of me. On top of that, I miss my best friend more than words can express. To add onto that, my other best friend is constantly down on her luck recently with injury after injury after injury. I cannot help but feel terrible for her and wish I could do anything, but it seems that I cannot even figure out what to do for myself. When it comes to school, I have no idea most of the time. I really do not know where I’ll be this fall at this current moment. Again, I wish money wan’t part of the question, but it seems to always be. Then the question of (if I do end up back at Allegheny) whether or not I can afford to run XC. When I say afford, I mean physically afford to do it, as well as afford to do it in the sense that should I be working rather than running. I have already been told that I’ll be able to take my Gamestop job when I go to Allegheny (there is a Gamestop in town), but if I ran, I would only be able to work once a week at most, and that would be Sundays. Not exactly the most ideal thing…

I just have absolutely no idea what to do right now, and I hate not knowing what to do. I want to be successful as imaginable, but I’m starting to wonder if that will ever be possible for me at all… Maybe I’m not meant to be. Life seems to take a giant shit on me at times, and I never seem to be able to get out of a handful of them. Some good luck would go so far…

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I was fortunate enough to be invited (along with a few others) to help out at my high school’s XC camp this year, and day one was a blast. These kids have a lot of talent, and all those freshman are really going to do some work in the years to come. It’s really going to be awesome to see what they do this year, though. I think that a varsity spot will never be guaranteed for any of the guys, as every week it could be dynamically be changing. I’m excited.

My check for work didn’t go through today, so right now I have about $0.03 until my direct deposit goes through. Why would it have to not deposit on a Friday, because now my biggest concern is that it wont clear until Monday… I hate not having any money…

I’m still throwing up this “Vlog for a whole year” thing in my head, and I really want to do it, I just don’t know if I have the motivation or the means to do it. It takes time, time that I might not have? I don’t know, but I keep drifting back to the idea, and although my subconscious seems to be screaming at me to do it, I’m just not sure how right now…

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I need someone to love again. I miss that. I need a vacation. I’ve never had a vacation. I need money.

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So let us begin with chapter two or three, shall we, you stimulated creature? You’ve struggled with the first, and I’m sure that the following will be easier with the help of my fluency. While I have not read this book myself, translating for you shall be no difficult task.

“You cannot control it. This you must know.”

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I really cannot believe that it has been over one month since my last real blog posting. What the hell BJ, cut the crap. I feel that the reason that I haven’t been able to is because everything has been so up and down lately. I cannot even explain it really, but it just seems as if life is taking me on a course that is never consistently flat, but rather consistently going up and down. I don’t get it, and I doubt that I’ll ever understand it, but I just wish that for one moment I could sit and not have to worry about something, or even keep the excitement of one event for more than a few hours.

It’s so nice to be able to write and not  have to worry about all the proper formatting for my writing jobs. Maybe that’s a good place to start, my jobs. I currently write for Walyou.com and Xboxfreedom.com, and I also have recently started working at Gamestop. Now, anyone that knows me knows that working at Gamestop is far too exciting for me, and in reality I find it hard to contain myself at times. Just yesterday, I found myself closely watching the clock as it ticked closer and closer to 4 PM, the time that I was scheduled to work at Gamestop. I love my job. I really do.

As for Walyou and Xboxfreedom, I love doing these as well, but I wish I could do anything to receive more for each article. Compared to…well, all of the people I know that are freelance writing, I am (by far) making the least, and it’s only because these sites are so new. The problem is that I am torn between more pay and doing what I love. I absolutely adore writing these Xbox articles, as this is something I have a passion for and completely enjoy doing. The same goes for Walyou, whose tech side always keeps me interested (even if I can never get an article topic approved… I hate being in a completely different timezone than everyone else who writes…). It’s such a tough topic for me, but for now I am sticking with it. Hopefully I start to receive more hours at Gamestop as well, because right now I only have eight…a week…Not very cool.

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A while ago (months), I had a very good friend tell me that there will come a time where you will become completely OK with being alone. I’d like to think that the time for that has come. And at the same time, opportunity has arisen. In my mind, it may be at a sort of standstill (right wording?), but maybe that’s for the best? Or is it even at this stand still at all? I don’t know, but I’ll just take it day by day and see what comes of it. After all, what else can you do?

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I wish I could just fast forward to this next semester of school starting. Not only am I already bored of this damn town again, but I am looking forward to running again. I am running right now of course, but what I mean is running on a team again. It’s a sense of community that I don’t think I can find anywhere else, and I miss it a lot. Not only that, but I miss all my friends from school. I missed my friends back home as well, and it is amazing seeing them all again, and a time that I really will cherish till the end again. I cannot wait to Wecht hard.

I miss my best friend…

I wish I could just know where I will be in the future…I hate wondering, and it is something that I often do at night when I cannot fall asleep. I just…I just want answers to questions that I’m not even sure make sense to me. At times I just wonder if I over think everything, hence ruining many old opportunities, but…But what?

I want to be able to forget about everything again. Not have to worry.

I’m trying to write it in words for y’all, but I really cannot come up with words for the kind of snoring my Father is doing right now…

What I don’t tend to over think is things that I wish I could help people through. What is there to over think? Someone needs help, and there should be no hesitation on anyone’s part. Right now, all I can think about is someone who I am incredibly proud of for taking the steps that they are.  Some journeys are tough, but I know that this one will had the ending that you’re seeking, and I’m going to be there for ya at each and every corner or it.

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More blogs will certainly be happening again, at the very least a weekly one, but hopefully more than that. I have missed this a lot, and I like the amount of thinking that they let me do. I firmly believe that writing stuff out is the best kind of…”therapy” that there is.

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Have a good night everyone, and I hope to see you again next time.

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I guess it’s all part of the plan, eh? He wouldn’t hold me back, I know that, I believe that. Why would you though? If your love, as well as my love, was ever as meaningful as we both know it was, why would you?

Why?

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So now what do we do? Can we call a truce? Start afresh tomorrow? Walk away and never look back? No, that will never happen…We both know we would fail at not looking back, yet the others…possible…Let’s do it…Take a chance, take a risk…Let’s throw up the white flag and exchange this blood soaked attire for the white silks of summer.

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A new road.

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For those of you who do not know, my last post was my 100th post on this blog, and while I planned to “celebrate” the 100th post occasion, I didn’t. Oh well, let’s talk about how fast one year can go.

I cannot believe that the end of my Freshman year of college is here. My last paper is due tomorrow. That’s crazy to me, as it just seems like it was yesterday that I was packing all my stuff, reassuring my mom that I wouldn’t make bad decisions (oops), took a trip to Nationals, received a bid, and learned how difficult it was really going to be in college.

I haven’t shaven in three days….

This year…It’s flown by so fast, and I still cannot comprehend just how quickly it has flown by. The things I’ve learned, the paces I’ve seen, and most importantly the people who I’ve met. These are things you cannot ever conjure up, and maybe it’s something that college is meant to provide. Not only are we here to receive an education, but learn along the way from others who become incredibly close to us. Just like life seems to do ever so frequently, college too has a way of teaching us without us even knowing it most of the time.

I’ve met some amazing people here. I’ve also met some less than amazing people here at Allegheny. Some that I’m jealous of, some that I long for, and some that I cannot see to figure out. In this short school year, I have made some friends that I don’t think I’l ever lose contact with, and also met some that I think I have been destined to meet for a very long time, and perhaps even needed to meet in order to really figure things out.

Leaving for college has also done one thing that most of us don’t really want to admit, but what the hell, why not? You realize how much you need not only your friends, but your family as well, and how much your parents were right. It’s all part of the process of growing up though. It takes others longer than some, but we all get there eventually (at least I want to believe we’ll all get there).

Coming to Allegheny, I was a hopeless romantic, and I still am. That is something that wont ever change, no point in denying it. I know the perfect girl is out there, and even though I tend to believe, on some days, that I should just give up, lower my standards, or perhaps I won’t really ever find anyone at all, the thought of being alone has…well, it’s become easier I guess. It’s not something that I enjoy the thought of, but it’s certainly an easier thought than it was when I got here. I know that I wouldn’t have ever believed that had I not met some people at this college. I’ve got three more years of this, and I want to make the most of it, and whether that means I do it alone or not, I’m sure it will be great. Still hate being alone though…

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The weirdest thing happened to me yesterday, an I still cannot believe that it took me so long to see this. I was walking through campus on a really nice evening, and the campus life was full of life and energy. I was walking to get my dinner for the evening, and was then off to study for my finals (which would keep me up until about 3:30 AM). I arrived at an intersection, and I realized at that exact moment that I am free. I could go anywhere I wanted, in any direction, and there would be no one to stop me. It’s so weird, and so difficult to explain, but it literally took me until one of my last days here this semester to have fully see this realization and totally comprehend it.

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Back to this year though, it’s amazing how much one can learn in one short school year. I cannot even begin to list everything, and although I had planned to make some sort of list…Well to be honest I don’t even know where to start. All I know is that I’ glad I came here for one reason or another. It’s done me a lot of good, and next year is going to be even better. I just know it.

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Summer is here as of tomorrow at 9 AM for me. I want to make this one special, one that I won’t forget, and although I don’t know quite how I will do that just yet, I have a feeling that it will be great. What a better way to start it off than attending you best friends wedding the first weekend that you’re home? =]

To my friends and classmates, here’s to one year down, and three to go. Let’s make it count.

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Bring it on summer. Whatcha’ got?

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I’m blogging this as it happens because I feel that it is completely necessary.

It’s so weird to think that almost ten years ago, myself and so many of my friends were so young. I was in Mr.Pitrelli’s 4th grade English class when I heard the news, even with the teachers trying so hard to hide it from all of us, that the US had been attacked by terrorists. When I think about it now, my little cousin is in that same situation. Iwonder if he can grasp what is happening, because I don’t think most of us could back then.

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There’s something else. Looking at all of my friends’ statuses on Facebook and the texts I’ve received, we can all understand and comprehend what is happening, what this could mean for the future of our country, and the world for that matter. It’s incredible.

So here I am, almost ten years later, blogging as it happens in my dorm, room 35 in Crawford Hall at Allegheny College. Where are you? Where were you ten years ago? .

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Photo credit to my good friend John Nelson

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One last thing.

There is something to be said about a bunch of complete strangers coming together to sing the National Anthem and God Bless America, followed by chants of U.S.A.

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God Bless America.

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You…you need to leave my mind…you need to stop this…

You were gone, and now, since the other day, you’re back every now and then…

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Why aren’t you leaving…Rather, why can’t I just accept you? Why can’t you let me be?

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Why can’t I just accept this state of being?

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Alone